Love?

What happens when you finally find true love but true love doesn’t love you back. 
Okay, so he likes you. A lot. But he can’t really show it and he can’t get over his ex. So here you are madly in love, ready to get married and change every value or standard you’ve ever had because you met this guy who has changed your perspective. But he’s not ready. Because he loves her. 
Do you wait? Do you really just sit there patiently waiting for him to finally realize that she was awful and you’re the one who can make everything better? 

Because to me that seems like a lot of bullshit. 

What was so great about her that I can’t offer you? Ya know? Like what do I need to do to help you see that life isn’t that bad. That there is no reason to drink everyday to avoid being sober. 
I get it, time heals all. Don’t get me wrong. It took time for me to get over my ex. He was gorgeous. Like damn. But I did. And I knew as soon as it was over that I needed to move on. That binge eating or drinking or god knows what was not the answer. So why is it that I can be positive and happy and on the fucking bright side when you’re over here contemplating driving off the road because some immature girl cheated on you 8 months ago. MOVE ON. 
I want to help you. I want to fix your problems. I want to love you unconditionally so you know that everything will be okay. But you won’t let me because you don’t want to be fixed, helped or loved. 
And that’s your problem, which creates my problem. Do I wait? 

“so casually cruel in the name of being honest”

Well Taylor Swift, you have outdone yourself with this song. And I know that it is an old song and I have loved it since the day it came out… but now it has this harsh truth about it. It actually applies to me. And that sucks. It really sucks.

Is it possible to be so sad that you can’t even cry?… because that is where I am. I literally have no tears. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t deserve my tears, but what if he does? I’m not going to say that I loved him because I’m not sure that I did… But I’m not going to deny the feelings I had for him. They were strong and I was falling for him. Which made the blow even harder. It hits me everyday… harder and harder each time. I sit in class thinking about how he is almost off work and how he will text me and I will finally get to talk to him. Or when I am sitting on my bed at night waiting for him to say “where are you? come over?” Or when I wake up in the morning confused about where I am because I don’t wake up in his bed… in his arms. It hits me so hard sometimes I have to sit down and pace myself. It knocks the breath out of me whenever I see something that reminds me of him. I am hurting. I just can’t seem to admit it. Everyday I want to be better, feel better. I am trying… I have hung out with other people and try so hard to keep him off my mind. Nothing works. He is was everything to me. Where do I go from here? What is left? I am broken. Shattered in a million little pieces… But I am slowly fixing myself. I am fixing what he broke… and I will be okay. I’m just not sure when.

“And then you call me up again just to break my like a promise so casually cruel in the name of being honest” Next time, I’ll be sure to tell him that I don’t want his honesty. He can keep that to himself.

I am broken, shattered, crumbled, hurting and alone… but I am also finished… I am finished with him. And I think that’s where the healing begins.